Religious Humour

much ado · #26

I apologize. I did not mean my question to be an attack or to be nasty. I should have realized it would be a sensitive topic.

I'm sorry.

Suranis · #27

much ado wrote: ↑Mon Jan 30, 2023 2:18 am I apologize. I did not mean my question to be an attack or to be nasty. I should have realized it would be a sensitive topic.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry too. I misinterpreted it. I'm just tired of it all I guess.

#28

Group hug!

much ado · #29

Thanks. I'm glad that didn't escalate.

Suranis · #30

No way these really came from schoolkids but I'm still dying.

ELEMENTARY BIBLE SCHOOL TESTS

Elementary school answers to Bible quiz, unedited:

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY

#31

Can someone explain to me the Sabbath? Muslims do it on Friday, Jews on Saturday, and Christians on Sunday.

Why can't these three religions based on the same God get it together? Same old testament. I think they may all be nuts.

Suranis · #32

Christians do it on a Sunday because Jesus rose from the dead on the day after the Sabbath. Muslims do it to not be Jews or Christians, more or less.

#33

Suranis wrote: ↑Sat Mar 11, 2023 6:53 am Christians do it on a Sunday because Jesus rose from the dead on the day after the Sabbath. Muslims do it to not be Jews or Christians, more or less.

It is very confusing to us Westerners when we visit Muslim countries. The weekend starts on Friday? This is messed up.
I need to be accommodated.

Sam the Centipede · #34

C'mon, that's a lot of prayers for a deity (or three deities, I don't know how triple monotheism works) to process all in a single day. It makes sense to spread them out. Maybe there's only one Prayer Receiving Room in Shama-Jannah-Heaven?

Even more difficult if none of the deities even exist!

#35

neonzx wrote: ↑Sat Mar 11, 2023 3:27 am Can someone explain to me the Sabbath? Muslims do it on Friday, Jews on Saturday, and Christians on Sunday.

Why can't these three religions based on the same God get it together? Same old testament. I think they may all be nuts.

Simple - parking.

Traffic and parking are bad enough when the local Catholic church holds back to back services for the Spanish and English language congregations. Imagine if the Jews and Muslims were holding their services at the same time. Total madness on the roads.

(wink)

#36

It should be based on who came first, anyway. Simple primogeniture.

Jewish religion is the oldest, they should get the best parking, but celebrate the Sabbath on Friday. Then came those pesky Christians, and the Catholics. They get Saturday. And Islam did not appear until 700 years after the imaginary birth of the kid in Bethlehem. They get Sunday and whatever parking is left over. And finally, the Protestants, the latecomers to the party, including all those fancy schmancy offshoots like LDS and Southern Baptists. They're SOL in my scheme.

Edit: Is there anyone I haven't insulted?As a group, of course.

#37

Did I ever tell you my story of a young Jewish woman hunting me down on the streets of Brooklyn, NY on the Sabbath 'cause she needed a wired cord changed for her ill toddler? It's probably not meant for this humor thread. But OMG. I'll tell it elsewhere another time if there is interest.

#38

neonzx wrote: ↑Sat Mar 11, 2023 1:23 pm Did I ever tell you my story of a young Jewish woman hunting me down on the streets of Brooklyn, NY on the Sabbath 'cause she needed a wired cord changed for her ill toddler? It's probably not meant for this humor thread. But OMG. I'll tell it elsewhere another time if there is interest.

It was on the late Fogbow if you want to look there. I remember it.

#39

pipistrelle wrote: ↑Sat Mar 11, 2023 1:26 pm
neonzx wrote: ↑Sat Mar 11, 2023 1:23 pm Did I ever tell you my story of a young Jewish woman hunting me down on the streets of Brooklyn, NY on the Sabbath 'cause she needed a wired cord changed for her ill toddler? It's probably not meant for this humor thread. But OMG. I'll tell it elsewhere another time if there is interest.
It was on the late Fogbow if you want to look there. I remember it.

Does not surprise me. I don't need to re-read it cause lived it and sticks with me. That poor unfortunate child. I'll never forget his face.

Okay, get back to the humor stuff.

#40

neonzx wrote: ↑Sat Mar 11, 2023 1:37 pm
pipistrelle wrote: ↑Sat Mar 11, 2023 1:26 pm
neonzx wrote: ↑Sat Mar 11, 2023 1:23 pm Did I ever tell you my story of a young Jewish woman hunting me down on the streets of Brooklyn, NY on the Sabbath 'cause she needed a wired cord changed for her ill toddler? It's probably not meant for this humor thread. But OMG. I'll tell it elsewhere another time if there is interest.
It was on the late Fogbow if you want to look there. I remember it.
Does not surprise me. I don't need to re-read it cause lived it and sticks with me. That poor unfortunate child. I'll never forget his face.

Okay, get back to the humor stuff.

I get the no work on the sabbath thing, I do.

And I understand that some of the steps taken to avoid 'work' appear to Gentiles as silly, trivial, prohibitions to assert control over congregations, are not silly to practioners, but as natural as breathing. Refusing to press a crosswalk signal button and having to wait in the rain for traffic to clear a space for you sounds self defeating, but its an endearing symbol of faith.

But caring for a sick child is NOT work, it is LOVE.

Refusing to fix a cable for a child's life saving equipment is not an endearing symbol of faith.

Sam the Centipede · #41

"endearing symbol of faith"? – until the smiting of heretics starts!

Suranis · #42

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Suranis · #43

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Suranis · #44

Ok. This made me laugh.

: Seminarians.jpg (52.1 KiB) Viewed 621 times

#45

Liturgical work always requires a feeble attempt at keeping announcements from becoming the longest part of the liturgy.

#46

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said,

'If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!'

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had 'fallen.'

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, 'You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.'

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, 'I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week.'

#47

"The Naked Liturgist"-

Suranis · #48

I resemble this too goddam much.

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#49

The first time I heard "father who art in heaven" I imagined God painting pictures, and wondered what those would look like.

#50

I literally saw a birther try to write out the Lord's Prayer, which by the way I could drink a pint of single malt Scotch and recite it correctly a few times before I passed out, and she wrote, I kid you not:

"Our Father, who aren't in Heaven ..."

So if'n he aren't in Heaven, where the heck is that rascal?