Sorry, I couldn't figure out how to extract and embed the actual image.
Re: Jokes
Posted: Thu Jan 13, 2022 6:41 am
by Liz
A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out. The bartender yells for him to stop.
The panda bear asks, “What do you want?” The bartender replies, “First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food.” The panda bear turns around and says, “Hey! I’m a Panda. Look it up!” The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read:
“PANDA: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for it’s stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
Re: Jokes
Posted: Thu Jan 13, 2022 7:18 am
by keith
OK, I get it and all, but that joke would work better if your definition did not identify the panda as a marsupial. It isn't.
In Australia that joke is told using Koalas or Wombats (which actually are marsupials, but that isn't essential to the joke).
And its usually in a brothel where he doesn't kill anyone... but the punchline is the same if you know what I mean.
Re: Jokes
Posted: Thu Jan 13, 2022 8:33 am
by Foggy
Off Topic
My mom's brother was named Richard but somewhere along the road he acquired the nickname Wombat, and his friends called him nothing else.
Re: Jokes
Posted: Thu Jan 13, 2022 6:55 pm
by Dave from down under
Two fish are in a tank — one turns to the other and says… "Hey, how do you drive this thing?"
Now that we've got that segue out of the way, a group of researchers have taught a goldfish to drive (science, what can't it do?).
Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma , Arizona . They
turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10
cents."They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too
good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come
on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In
no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred
and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other.
They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their
martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again
saying,"That's 40 cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them.
They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good
as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always
wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125
million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine,
liquor, beer it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing
seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in
front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been
there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks
the Bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida . They're
waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price..."
Re: Jokes
Posted: Sun Jan 16, 2022 5:08 pm
by AndyinPA
Re: Jokes
Posted: Sun Jan 16, 2022 5:10 pm
by tek
Definitely the Florida way.
Re: Jokes
Posted: Thu Jan 20, 2022 3:12 pm
by Shizzle Popped
5F63631D-EEF7-4337-AD00-266267C75178.jpeg (42.83 KiB) Viewed 1818 times
Yeah, that's EXACTLY what it's like here.
Re: Jokes
Posted: Thu Jan 20, 2022 3:14 pm
by Suranis
Which came first, the sign or the dildos.
Re: Jokes
Posted: Thu Jan 20, 2022 3:33 pm
by bill_g
Depends which direction you're driving.
Re: Jokes
Posted: Thu Jan 20, 2022 3:44 pm
by pipistrelle
Shizzle Popped wrote: ↑Thu Jan 20, 2022 3:12 pm
5F63631D-EEF7-4337-AD00-266267C75178.jpeg
Yeah, that's EXACTLY what it's like here.
There’s also the small towns with the gentlemen’s club and the tavern separated by a church.
GSB @Gsb_Esq wrote:
Me to my client during depo prep: Just listen to the question and give the shortest answer you can that is responsive. Like a game. Do you understand?
Client: yes.
Depo: what day did the accident occur?
C: here’s the thing about me right, I’m a stylist…
Nirav D. Shah @nirav_mainecdc (Director, Maine CDC) wrote:
1/Welp, I spent last night continuing my research into the #blizzard2022 #hoax.
Thankfully, @Twitter and Facebook have helpful algorithms that pointed me in the direction of *real* experts who helped me round out my thinking.
2/I studied poignant, analytical memes from leading thinkers in finance, technology, and art sales.
To my surprise, their insights actually CONFIRMED all of my pre-conceived notions about this storm.
Thanks for the research help @Twitter!
3/All of this research has led me to conclude that the hype around #blizzard2022 is being driven by the weather-industrial complex.
In short, it is all #propaganda.
I am concerned for our republic.
4/First of all, @CDCgov says blizzards are no big deal so long as you're financially stable, don't have to leave your house for work, have food, can afford heating and internet, and don't have to worry about power outages.
Those apply to me. So why should I care about others?
5/This morning, my neighbors said I needed to put salt on our shared sidewalk to keep THEM safe!
But putting salt down is inconvenient. Why should I be inconvenienced to help others in my community?
Can't people who are vulnerable to slips and falls just stay inside?
► Show Spoiler
6/Get this: my town implemented a "parking ban" too. They say it's to help them keep roads cleared.
But it really amounts to the government telling me, a taxpayer, what I can and can't do with my own private property. Didn't we fight a war against England to prevent this?
7/This is a blatant violation of the Takings Clause of the 5th Amendment to the @usconstitution.
It also violates the Declaration of Independence.
A lawyer I chatted with last night on Facebook says this could go all the way to @Scotus.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fifth_Ame…
8/And these so-called meteorologists have no clue what they're talking about.
Earlier this week, the forecast was for 10-20 inches. Then it changed to 8-12 inches. And now they're hyping it up as a "blizzard"!
I challenge @KeithCarson to debate me publicly on this.
9/I also find it deeply suspicious that their "models" change all the time. I thought this was "science", which does not change (see, e.g., gravity).
Who pressured them to change the models? My hunch: follow the $$$ and we'll find out.
10/We really need to be talking about the impact of #blizzard2022 on our kids!
Were it not for the alarmism of Organized Meteorology, our kids would be outside playing today.
But instead, kids are inside.
That is unacceptable. #letthemplay
11/Now I'm watching @weatherchannel and they're telling people to wear gloves if they go outside.
Do we know what the long-term side effects of gloves are? How do we know that gloves won't cause skin infections? Or vitamin D deficiency?
We need randomized trials. #facts
12/And gloves DON'T WORK!
The "experts" say that good gloves help prevent frostbite. That's nonsense.
I know a guy who got frostbite even though he was WEARING GLOVES. #CHECKMATE
13/Plus, I did the research and frostbite only happens about 1% of the time.
And my buddy who got it was FINE after his ER visit and skin graft.
pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19730758/#:~:t….
14/I mean, sure, some people might die from from the cold. But how many died "from" the cold, vs. "with" the cold?
And how many of those who died had pre-existing conditions?
Why won't anyone tell us? #transparency
publichealthpost.org/research/count….
15/Honestly, this "wear gloves" thing is ridiculous.
What's next? Telling me that I won't get service in a store unless I'm also wearing a shirt or shoes?
We need to stop living in fear, #sheeple!
16/Here's how I see it: I don't need gloves.
Treatments for frostbite are SO GOOD now. I'll be fine.
I am warm blooded and have a skin system that is perfectly capable of keeping me warm, thank you very much. #Factsnotfear
17/I went out for a drive this morning and the entire town is on lockdown!
This is a completely ridiculous overreaction to something that is seasonal, and will literally melt away. It will assuredly be gone by Easter. #blizzard2022
