This is just basically a dump, but I'm having another dark day in a string of dark days and just need to get it out of me. If you don't want to read it or reply, that's fine. I'm just hoping putting it in words and throwing it out to the universe might help make some of it better.
For some reason lately I've been struggling with fear. One is a fear that im going to die any minute now. I dont even kmow where that comes from because all my tests and stuff say my heart and such are fine. I just have chronic pain and can't get out of bed. I may not have much of a life at the moment, but I'm decidedly not ready to go. But lately I keep feeling like death's just around the corner and I'm terrified of the prospect, of what it will be like as I'm dying and if there'll really be anything after it or if I'll just be a lone awareness for eternity. And I can't figure out how to make it stop. I think it's probably stemming from years of doctors telling me my weight is going to kill me. My current doctor doesn't say that, but most of the rest did, often saying it would kill me by the time I was 50. I'm passed that now, but I think I'm at least partly afraid I'm living on borrowed time. I'm doing WW to lose weight, because I want to get out of this bed again before I die, but I have SO much to lose it doesn't seem possible.
The other big fear plaguing me is my dogs. All the dogs my husband and I have had have been friendly, except for our last one, Laika, who for reasons I never understood would sometimes snap at me out of nowhere and wouldn't let me pet her unless my husband or caretaker were also in the room. But even with the friendly ones, it was clear they preferred my husband and caretaker. The last time I had a dog that I felt like really *loved* me was 30 years ago. But both Von and Sasha make me feel very loved. They like to come into the bedroom and rest on the bed with me, and they love to snuggle. Just a bit ago when I got kinda choked up, Sasha came up to me like she was checking on me, and is now just lying at my side. So what's the fear? That the universe won't let me enjoy this very long and something will happen to one or both of them. I *know* it's silly to let that get to me as much as it has been, but just like the fears of dying, I can't figure out how to make it go away!
And on top of that, it's been 2 years since my Dad died and I still haven't been able to do anything with his and Mom's ashes. The ONLY instruction I was given was to find "someplace beautiful." And even though he knew I'm bedridden, he didn't even offer any suggestions when I asked. Sån Francisco was important to both of them, so I wanted to have them scattered there. I had a friend who was willing to scatter a small amount, but didn't want to risk more since it's illegal, apparently, and I figured that was better than nothing - I wanted at least part of them there - but I have NO idea what to do with the rest. We can't think of anyplace really suitable around here. I've asked my husband to see if maybe his Dad and step-Mom would be willing to take the ashes with the the next time they go sightseeing, but he keeps forgetting to... I just don't know what to do, but can't stop thinking about it.
So, hopefully, getting this out will make at least some of it go away. I really need a break from all these dark worries... if you actually read this, thanks
Proud recipient of the Imperial Illuminati Air Force Order of the Golden Wiener with
Device for grammatical valor attached.