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Jokes

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keith
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Re: Jokes

#176

Post by keith »

I figure I should put this in jokes instead of General Law or the Economy in case anyone misunderstood.

Non Sequitur for 8 January 2022

Sorry, I couldn't figure out how to extract and embed the actual image.
Has everybody heard about the bird?
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Liz
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Re: Jokes

#177

Post by Liz »

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out. The bartender yells for him to stop.
The panda bear asks, “What do you want?” The bartender replies, “First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food.” The panda bear turns around and says, “Hey! I’m a Panda. Look it up!” The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read:
“PANDA: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for it’s stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
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Re: Jokes

#178

Post by keith »

OK, I get it and all, but that joke would work better if your definition did not identify the panda as a marsupial. It isn't.

In Australia that joke is told using Koalas or Wombats (which actually are marsupials, but that isn't essential to the joke).

And its usually in a brothel where he doesn't kill anyone... but the punchline is the same if you know what I mean.
Has everybody heard about the bird?
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Re: Jokes

#179

Post by Foggy »

Off Topic
My mom's brother was named Richard but somewhere along the road he acquired the nickname Wombat, and his friends called him nothing else. :shrug:
Out from under. :thumbsup:
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Re: Jokes

#180

Post by Dave from down under »

Two fish are in a tank — one turns to the other and says… "Hey, how do you drive this thing?"

Now that we've got that segue out of the way, a group of researchers have taught a goldfish to drive (science, what can't it do?).

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2022-01-14/ ... /100755880
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Re: Jokes

#181

Post by RTH10260 »

I guess we now know how fish mark their imprint on the environment :lol:
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Re: Jokes

#182

Post by noblepa »

Dave from down under wrote: Thu Jan 13, 2022 6:55 pm
. . . (science, what can't it do?).
Convince idiots that Covid-19 is real and that they should be vaccinated?
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Re: Jokes

#183

Post by Plutodog »

noblepa wrote: Thu Jan 13, 2022 10:59 pm
Dave from down under wrote: Thu Jan 13, 2022 6:55 pm
. . . (science, what can't it do?).
Convince idiots that Covid-19 is real and that they should be vaccinated?
Sadly, there's any number of variants (pun unintended) on that. :brickwallsmall:
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Re: Jokes

#184

Post by Kriselda Gray »

Dave from down under wrote: Thu Jan 13, 2022 6:55 pm (science, what can't it do?).
Cure stupid
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pjhimself
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Re: Jokes

#185

Post by pjhimself »

Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma , Arizona . They
turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10
cents."They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too
good to be true.


The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come
on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"


There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In
no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred
and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."


The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other.
They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their
martinis, and order another round.


Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again
saying,"That's 40 cents, please."


They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them.
They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.


Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good
as these for a dime apiece?"


"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always
wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125
million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine,
liquor, beer it's all the same."


"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.


As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing
seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in
front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been
there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks
the Bartender, "What's with them?"


The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida . They're
waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price..."
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Re: Jokes

#186

Post by AndyinPA »

:lol:
"Choose your leaders with wisdom and forethought. To be led by a coward is to be controlled by all that the coward fears… To be led by a liar is to ask to be told lies." -Octavia E. Butler
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tek
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Re: Jokes

#187

Post by tek »

:rotflmao:

Definitely the Florida way.
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Re: Jokes

#188

Post by Shizzle Popped »

5F63631D-EEF7-4337-AD00-266267C75178.jpeg
5F63631D-EEF7-4337-AD00-266267C75178.jpeg (42.83 KiB) Viewed 1674 times

Yeah, that's EXACTLY what it's like here. :lol:
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Suranis
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Re: Jokes

#189

Post by Suranis »

Which came first, the sign or the dildos. :think:
Hic sunt dracones
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Re: Jokes

#190

Post by bill_g »

Depends which direction you're driving.
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Re: Jokes

#191

Post by pipistrelle »

Shizzle Popped wrote: Thu Jan 20, 2022 3:12 pm 5F63631D-EEF7-4337-AD00-266267C75178.jpeg

Yeah, that's EXACTLY what it's like here. :lol:
There’s also the small towns with the gentlemen’s club and the tavern separated by a church.
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Re: Jokes

#192

Post by bill_g »

Image
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raison de arizona
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Re: Jokes

#193

Post by raison de arizona »

https://twitter.com/Gsb_Esq/status/1485 ... 87361?s=20
GSB @Gsb_Esq wrote: Me to my client during depo prep: Just listen to the question and give the shortest answer you can that is responsive. Like a game. Do you understand?

Client: yes.

Depo: what day did the accident occur?
C: here’s the thing about me right, I’m a stylist…
“Remember, democracy never lasts long. It soon wastes, exhausts, and murders itself. There never was a democracy yet that did not commit suicide.” —John Adams
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raison de arizona
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Re: Jokes

#194

Post by raison de arizona »

https://twitter.com/nirav_mainecdc/stat ... 00066?s=21
Nirav D. Shah @nirav_mainecdc (Director, Maine CDC) wrote: 1/Welp, I spent last night continuing my research into the #blizzard2022 #hoax.

Thankfully, @Twitter and Facebook have helpful algorithms that pointed me in the direction of *real* experts who helped me round out my thinking.

2/I studied poignant, analytical memes from leading thinkers in finance, technology, and art sales.

To my surprise, their insights actually CONFIRMED all of my pre-conceived notions about this storm.

Thanks for the research help @Twitter!


3/All of this research has led me to conclude that the hype around #blizzard2022 is being driven by the weather-industrial complex.

In short, it is all #propaganda.

I am concerned for our republic.

4/First of all, @CDCgov says blizzards are no big deal so long as you're financially stable, don't have to leave your house for work, have food, can afford heating and internet, and don't have to worry about power outages.

Those apply to me. So why should I care about others?

5/This morning, my neighbors said I needed to put salt on our shared sidewalk to keep THEM safe!

But putting salt down is inconvenient. Why should I be inconvenienced to help others in my community?

Can't people who are vulnerable to slips and falls just stay inside?
► Show Spoiler
“Remember, democracy never lasts long. It soon wastes, exhausts, and murders itself. There never was a democracy yet that did not commit suicide.” —John Adams
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Re: Jokes

#195

Post by neonzx »

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RTH10260
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Re: Jokes

#196

Post by RTH10260 »

:rotflmao:
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pjhimself
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Re: Jokes

#197

Post by pjhimself »

Could’ve been in Nostagia:

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Notaperson
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Re: Jokes

#198

Post by Notaperson »

darth.JPG
darth.JPG (31.54 KiB) Viewed 1041 times
Dave from down under
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Re: Jokes

#199

Post by Dave from down under »

Not strickly a joke..

but pretty amusing to some one as juvenile as I -

You're not the only one seeing a certain shape in this logo. The PM's Department has copped criticism for the design

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2022-03-15/ ... /100910540
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Re: Jokes

#200

Post by raison de arizona »

4A93EB00-8834-49F3-9D16-852A0CBDE6E0.jpeg
4A93EB00-8834-49F3-9D16-852A0CBDE6E0.jpeg (249.39 KiB) Viewed 829 times
“Remember, democracy never lasts long. It soon wastes, exhausts, and murders itself. There never was a democracy yet that did not commit suicide.” —John Adams
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