Jokes
- Tiredretiredlawyer
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Re: Jokes
Groan! Excellent pun!!!!
"Mickey Mouse and I grew up together." - Ruthie Tompson, Disney animation checker and scene planner and one of the first women to become a member of the International Photographers Union in 1952.
- Phoenix520
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Re: Jokes
Off Topic
Why aren’t you making funnies, young man?!
You’re the funniest guy I know in pen and ink. Loomer and Jakey and Al... never mind, Ali is just creepy. Not sure you could make him funny.
Something like the new generation of kooks vs Orly. (Jeez, that makes me feel somewhat kindly towards the batty old thing. These new kooks leave her kookiness in the dust.) You probably already have something in mind, don’t you? Don’t you?
I’d subscribe to your cartoon channel, if’n you had one.
![Old Lady :oldlady:](./images/smilies/oldlady.gif)
Something like the new generation of kooks vs Orly. (Jeez, that makes me feel somewhat kindly towards the batty old thing. These new kooks leave her kookiness in the dust.) You probably already have something in mind, don’t you? Don’t you?
I’d subscribe to your cartoon channel, if’n you had one.
![Batting Eyes :batting:](./images/smilies/batting.gif)
- bill_g
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Re: Jokes
A rabbit and priest walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit what he'll have. The rabbit replies "I don't know. I'm only here because of autocorrect."
- northland10
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- noblepa
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Re: Jokes
Two good ole country boys, Bubba and Earl are driving their pickup truck and see a gas station with a sign saying "Free Sex With Fill Up", so they decide to stop.
After the attendant fills up their tank, Bubba asks "What about the free sex?"
The attendant informs them that they have to take a quiz, in order to win and says "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. What is it?"
Bubba quickly guesses 5.
"No, the number was 7" replies the attendant.
"Let me try. Let me try" says Earl.
"Ok" says the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10".
"3" cries Earl, triumphantly.
"No, I told you it was 7".
As they're driving away, Earl says "Ya' know, I think that guy cheated us. I don't think that game was honest".
Bubba replies "No. Its an honest game. My wife won three times last week!"
After the attendant fills up their tank, Bubba asks "What about the free sex?"
The attendant informs them that they have to take a quiz, in order to win and says "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. What is it?"
Bubba quickly guesses 5.
"No, the number was 7" replies the attendant.
"Let me try. Let me try" says Earl.
"Ok" says the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10".
"3" cries Earl, triumphantly.
"No, I told you it was 7".
As they're driving away, Earl says "Ya' know, I think that guy cheated us. I don't think that game was honest".
Bubba replies "No. Its an honest game. My wife won three times last week!"
Re: Jokes
A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat. The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right .
Her husband said, "The cat just died."
She burst into tears and said, "How could you be so blunt ? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually? Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said it fell off and broke his leg; then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, How is my mom?"
The husband answered, "She is playing on the roof."
Probably an old one.
Her husband said, "The cat just died."
She burst into tears and said, "How could you be so blunt ? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually? Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said it fell off and broke his leg; then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, How is my mom?"
The husband answered, "She is playing on the roof."
Probably an old one.
"Choose your leaders with wisdom and forethought. To be led by a coward is to be controlled by all that the coward fears… To be led by a liar is to ask to be told lies." -Octavia E. Butler
Re: Jokes
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York archaeologists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: " California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 100 years earlier than the New Yorkers."
One week later, The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, a local newspaper in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his back yard on the South Side slopes, Stush 'The Polish Excavator' Opaczynski, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Stush has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Pennsylvania had already gone wireless."
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: " California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 100 years earlier than the New Yorkers."
One week later, The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, a local newspaper in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his back yard on the South Side slopes, Stush 'The Polish Excavator' Opaczynski, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Stush has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Pennsylvania had already gone wireless."
"Choose your leaders with wisdom and forethought. To be led by a coward is to be controlled by all that the coward fears… To be led by a liar is to ask to be told lies." -Octavia E. Butler
Re: Jokes
Apparently a true story .
https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMeVtjpf7/
https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMeVtjpf7/
Re: Jokes
Danraft wrote: ↑Wed May 05, 2021 11:42 am Apparently a true story .
https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMeVtjpf7/
https://ministryofcigars.com/the-cigar-insurance-myth/This story, that has been going around for fifty years, is an urban legend, but undeniably fake. There are no records that a case like this has ever been in court. And even if so, if the court sided with the cigar aficionado, then it would mean they rule it as ‘no fraud’. And that would automatically mean that the arson claim would be overruled.
Re: Jokes
After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...
- Tiredretiredlawyer
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Re: Jokes
![rotflmao :rotflmao:](./images/smilies/rotflmao.gif)
"Mickey Mouse and I grew up together." - Ruthie Tompson, Disney animation checker and scene planner and one of the first women to become a member of the International Photographers Union in 1952.
- Shizzle Popped
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Re: Jokes
► Show Spoiler
"Let us tenderly and kindly cherish, therefore, the means of knowledge. Let us dare to read, think, speak, and write."
John Adams
John Adams
Re: Jokes
A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a “slide-rule” as well as a code device called an “abacus” that he claimed was a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
“Al-Gebra is a problem for us,” the Attorney General said. “Al-Gebra has terrorized many young people for years. They derive solutions by means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in search of "absolute values”. “They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns,’ but we’ve determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.”
As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are 3 sides to every triangle.'” When asked to comment on the arrest, President Biden said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.” White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by a President.
“Al-Gebra is a problem for us,” the Attorney General said. “Al-Gebra has terrorized many young people for years. They derive solutions by means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in search of "absolute values”. “They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns,’ but we’ve determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.”
As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are 3 sides to every triangle.'” When asked to comment on the arrest, President Biden said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.” White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by a President.
- Shizzle Popped
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Re: Jokes
"Let us tenderly and kindly cherish, therefore, the means of knowledge. Let us dare to read, think, speak, and write."
John Adams
John Adams
- roadscholar
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- Shizzle Popped
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Re: Jokes
"Let us tenderly and kindly cherish, therefore, the means of knowledge. Let us dare to read, think, speak, and write."
John Adams
John Adams