Weird Headlines

[neonzx]

Subway Says It Will Give a Lifetime of Free Subs If You Change Your Name to ‘Subway’
One superfan camped out for two days to get a footlong tattoo of the Subway Series logo in exchange for free Subway for life

The story: https://themessenger.com/business/subwa ... -to-subway
The offer: https://newsroom.subway.com/2023-07-26- ... y-for-Life

Yeah, great deal. Lump some cash of $750 for costs of changing name + $50,000 in Subway gift cards all at once. Reported to IRS as taxable income.

[RTH10260]

Chinese zoo denies its sun bears are humans dressed in costumes

the story

► Show Spoiler

Chinese zoo denies its sun bears are humans dressed in costumes
Hangzhou zoo insists animals are real after video of one standing on hind legs triggers online speculation

Amy Hawkins and agencies
Mon 31 Jul 2023 13.00 BST

A zoo in eastern China has denied suggestions that some of its bears could be humans dressed in costumes, after video of one standing on its hind legs circulated online.

In a statement published on Sunday from the perspective of Angela, a Malaysian sun bear, zookeepers at Hangzhou zoo said: “When it comes to bears, the first thing that comes to mind is a huge figure and amazing power … But not all bears are behemoths and danger personified. We Malayan bears are petite, the smallest bear in the world.”

Video of a sun bear standing on its hind legs had circulated on social media, with people noting that its slender legs and folds of fur made it look like a human was acting the part of the bear.


https://www.theguardian.com/world/2023/ ... s-costumes

[Gregg]

I dunno if I trust that zoo after I saw the picture...

[pipistrelle]

Driver injured after car crashed into second floor of Pennsylvania home
Check out all the photos.

[neonzx]

Driver injured after car crashed into second floor of Pennsylvania home
Check out all the photos.

Wild, eh? I saw an initial report on that earlier today but details were scant at the time. At that time they didn't report how this car ended up on the second floor. Makes total sense now. It's Pennsylvania. I've lived in south Floriduh for so many years that I'd forgotten that other places are not pancake flat boring.

[Suranis]

Kitui: Eagle picks snake, fight ensues, eagle drops snake, snake lands on car, bites man

https://www.citizen.digital/news/kitui- ... n-11744766

[bill_g]

That's some serious bad karma.

[Uninformed]

Coincidence?

“Texas woman injured after hawk drops snake on her”:
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-66446697

“A Texas woman was attacked by a hawk and a snake at the same time after the bird - which eats snakes - accidentally dropped the wriggling serpent on her.
Peggy Jones, 64, was mowing her lawn last month when a passing hawk dropped a snake on her before swooping down to angrily try to reclaim its meal.
The snake wrapped itself around her arm and began striking her face as the bird sunk its talons deep into her flesh.
The terrifying ordeal left her with cuts and bruising to her arm and face.
The bizarre incident took place on 25 July in the town of Silsbee, Texas, near the Louisiana border.”

[johnpcapitalist]

Kitui: Eagle picks snake, fight ensues, eagle drops snake, snake lands on car, bites man

https://www.citizen.digital/news/kitui- ... n-11744766

and:

“Texas woman injured after hawk drops snake on her”:
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-66446697

The number of people attacked by snakes dropped on them by birds of prey in 2023 now exceeds the number of Americans attacked in the US by Muslim terrorists this year. Yet the right-wing echo chamber still makes it sound like we're in imminent danger of being beheaded by hordes of masked ISIS terrorists at any moment.

[RTH10260]

the great MSM conspiracy nobody wants you to know --- the ISIS trained eagles

[Suranis]

Melbourne man charged with lighting fires had Ducklings in his underwear, police allege.

https://www.theguardian.com/australia-n ... ice-allege

[Foggy]

Ducklings.

In his underwear.

[neonzx]

Are we sure The Guardian didn't lift this story from The Onion?

[bill_g]

He was channeling his inner roo.

[keith]

What? You never been tickled with a feather?

Cloistered life.

[qbawl]

What? You never been tickled with a feather?

Cloistered life.

I heard a variation of this where the follow up was something like "Fickle ass weather lately."

[RTH10260]

Japanese man lives dog’s life in long-haired collie suit

► Show Spoiler

Japanese man lives dog’s life in long-haired collie suit – in pictures
Man known as Toco has spent over £10,000 on a canine costume to realise his dream of transforming into a dog

Franck Robichon/EPA
Mon 21 Aug 2023 13.44 BST

https://www.theguardian.com/artanddesig ... n-pictures

[Foggy]

Cynical.

[Sam the Centipede]

Cynical.

Now I'm wondering whether Foggy has cracked an overly deep etymological jeu de mots about the collie suit story. I think I'll go with option B, that I've missed the point.

[Foggy]

The word cynic meant "dog-like" in ancient Greece. It was a dog-like joke.

And an ancient Greece joke.

You can't buy this level of humor on other planets.

Umm, this guy is a dog born into a human body, amirite?

The word Cynic, meaning “dog-like” in Greek, was a nickname conferred upon Diogenes of Sinope (412-323 BCE) and his followers by their detractors because, in pursuit of the good life, these freedom-seekers lived out-of-doors and, like stray dogs, got their food from ancient dumpsters and by begging. Source

[Sam the Centipede]

Ah, so I wondered right!!

Who's a clever Fdoggy, eh? Is it you? Yes it is, you're a clever Fdoggy!

If I ever try a smart-ass joke like that, stony ground awaits it and its deserved withering.

Off Topic

So here's a wholly unrelated completely clean joke, un chiste, in imperfect (ok, actually present) Spanish, remembered from my long past schooldays:
Un hombre entra a una tienda. Pregunta al comerciante «¿vendes diclorodifeniltriclorotolueno?» El comerciante piensa por un momento y luego pregunta «aa ¿deseas comprar DDT?»
«Sí» responde el hombre «nunca recuerdo esas tres letras.»

[bill_g]

[Suranis]

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/202 ... plnews_d-1

US driver pulled over with huge African bull riding shotgun in car

The underheadline would also qualify.

Converted vehicle stopped in Nebraska with gigantic-horned Watusi bovine called Howdy Doody as passenger

[jemcanada2]

With my rusty Spanish, I think I understand the joke.

[Tiredretiredlawyer]

Great joke!