Jokes

[busterbunker]

This isn't really a joke, just my new working definition of woke. It's pretty simple: don't be an asshole.

Show some empathy. Accept yourself for who you are, accept the people and plants and rocks and things around you.

If you got a problem with my idea of woke, chances are you are an asshole.

Some woke poeole are assholes.

[Suranis]

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[Dave from down under]

[johnpcapitalist]

The Hokey Pokey, Shakespearean Style

I see your style-bending Hokey Pokey version and raise you this even funnier one, courtesy of Bill Bailey, one of my favorite comedians:

[Suranis]

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Or Peter Dinklage, Jason Mamoa and their son.

Or...

[keith]

Or...

Two gentlemen and a racist asshole.

You be the judge.

[Suranis]

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Actually I really like that guys superman... even though he had a habit of coming through a wall when there was an open window right beside it. And he always ducked when someone threw a Gun at him.

[RVInit]

RC deWinter
@RCdeWinter


A priest went to see his Bishop and asked if he would hear his confession.
“Of course,” the Bishop said and took out his rosary. “And what do you have to confess?”

“Well, Your Grace, I used profane language,” the priest said, shifting a bit in obvious embarrassment.

“I understand,” the Bishop said. “And under what circumstance did you use the profanity?”

“Well, Your Grace, I was playing golf and I stepped up to the tee on a par four and I hit what was probably the best drive of my life. Long and straight as an arrow,” the priest replied.

“Well surely there was no cause to blaspheme then?” the Bishop said with a frown.

“Well no,” the priest said, “but as it flew down the fairway it hit an overhead wire and dropped down only a hundred yards away.”

“Ah,” said the Bishop. “So that’s when you blasphemed.”

“No, Your Grace,” the priest said. “You see, when it hit the ground a gopher popped up, grabbed the ball and started running away with it toward the woods.”

“Oh, so that’s what made you curse,” the Bishop said with a nod.

“No,Your Grace, because just as he was about to get to the woods a great owl swooped down and grabbed him in his talons and started to fly away.”

“Okay, so that is when you used a profanity,” the Bishop said.

“No sir – you see, as the owl flew off with the gopher, the gopher dropped the ball from the sky and it landed on the green and rolled to just two feet away from the hole.”

The Bishop looked at the priest searchingly and said, “You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”

[raison de arizona]

Rate limit exceeded? Have they tried diverting all power to the forward array?!

[Slim Cognito]

Re: the confession joke -

I needed the No Drinks disclaimer.

[Flatpoint High]

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[Shizzle Popped]

When God created Adam and Eve, He said to them:
I have two gifts to give you - one is to pee standing up and...

Adam, very anxious, interrupted him screaming:
M E..! M E..! I want it, please Lord... please... please... please...
This would make life a lot easier!

Eve agreed and said those things didn't matter to her.
So God gave Adam the gift.

Adam was amazed, screaming for joy, running through the Garden of Eden, peeing on every tree.
He ran along the beach making drawings with his pee in the sand.
He lit a fire and played fireman..

God and Eve stared at the mad man with happiness until Eve asked God:
and... what is the other present?

And God answered:
A Brain Eve ... The brain is yours...

And that my friends, is how it all started.

[noblepa]

God gave men a brain and a penis.

But only enough blood to operate one at a time.

[roadscholar]

God gave men a brain and a penis.

But only enough blood to operate one at a time.

And He decreed that they would rarely, if ever, agree with one another.

[Volkonski]

Alex Wild
@alexwild@mastodon.online
With the drag queen moral panic starting to fade, what moral panic should we expect next?

20%
Firefighters with dogs other than dalmations
9%
Live birth easter bunnies, as God intended
22%
Elmer's Glue. You know why.
50%
Restaurants closing on Mondays is Satanic

[raison de arizona]

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[bill_g]

It's a club of old white guys!

Or is it a gaggle?

A clutch?

[Sam the Centipede]

A sadness?

[RTH10260]

All are aging well, man and machine ...

[bill_g]

All are aging well, man and machine ...

The cloning process is complete!

[raison de arizona]

[Shizzle Popped]

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[Shizzle Popped]

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[Shizzle Popped]

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[Shizzle Popped]

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