Jokes
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bill_g
- Posts: 7222
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- Location: Portland OR
- Occupation: Retired (kind of)
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Jokes
:hattip:
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Shizzle Popped
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Jokes
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"Let us tenderly and kindly cherish, therefore, the means of knowledge. Let us dare to read, think, speak, and write."
John Adams
John Adams
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Shizzle Popped
- Posts: 5356
- Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2021 1:53 pm
- Location: South of Circle City
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Jokes
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"Let us tenderly and kindly cherish, therefore, the means of knowledge. Let us dare to read, think, speak, and write."
John Adams
John Adams
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pipistrelle
- Posts: 8034
- Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2021 11:27 am
Jokes
My family would figure it was another child by another cousin with another girlfriend who's probably already moved on.
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raison de arizona
- Posts: 20219
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Jokes
“Remember, democracy never lasts long. It soon wastes, exhausts, and murders itself. There never was a democracy yet that did not commit suicide.” —John Adams
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raison de arizona
- Posts: 20219
- Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2021 10:21 am
- Location: Nothing, Arizona
- Occupation: bit twiddler
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Jokes
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“Remember, democracy never lasts long. It soon wastes, exhausts, and murders itself. There never was a democracy yet that did not commit suicide.” —John Adams
Jokes
Punny stuff:
I saw a sign that said "Watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."
Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.
I entered 10 puns in a pun contest hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks, "Some asshole has my pen."
What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?..........Attire.
Who is this Rorschach guy and why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, please be careful!" Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"
I was addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool. The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
I was so surprised when the stationery store moved.
Parallel lines have so much in common but it’s a shame they’ll never meet.
Apparently you can’t use “beefstew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.
I like the name Brie, but it's a little cheesy.
I hate Russian dolls; they're so full of themselves.
The baby knew she was ready to be born because she was running out of womb.
I lost 25% of my roof last night...oof.
Velcro, what a rip-off!
If Whole Foods sells sliced apples, is it false advertising?
I have a wonderful stepladder......I never knew my real ladder.
The average person is really mean.
I'd never let my children watch the orchestra because there's too much sax and violins.
My favorite time on the clock is 6:30, hands down.
I saw a sign that said "Watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."
Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.
I entered 10 puns in a pun contest hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks, "Some asshole has my pen."
What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?..........Attire.
Who is this Rorschach guy and why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, please be careful!" Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"
I was addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool. The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
I was so surprised when the stationery store moved.
Parallel lines have so much in common but it’s a shame they’ll never meet.
Apparently you can’t use “beefstew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.
I like the name Brie, but it's a little cheesy.
I hate Russian dolls; they're so full of themselves.
The baby knew she was ready to be born because she was running out of womb.
I lost 25% of my roof last night...oof.
Velcro, what a rip-off!
If Whole Foods sells sliced apples, is it false advertising?
I have a wonderful stepladder......I never knew my real ladder.
The average person is really mean.
I'd never let my children watch the orchestra because there's too much sax and violins.
My favorite time on the clock is 6:30, hands down.
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Tiredretiredlawyer
- Posts: 8176
- Joined: Tue Feb 23, 2021 10:07 pm
- Location: Rescue Pets Land
- Occupation: 21st Century Suffragist
- Verified: ✅🐴🐎🦄🌻5000 posts and counting
Jokes
"Mickey Mouse and I grew up together." - Ruthie Tompson, Disney animation checker and scene planner and one of the first women to become a member of the International Photographers Union in 1952.
Jokes
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snowwoman.
8:15 - So, I made a snowwoman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:22 - The transgender man. woman... person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and are not used to decorate snow figures.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:30 - I used food coloring to make one of the snow couple a different color and be more racially inclusive.
8:37 - Then I was accused of using blackface on the snowperson.
8:39 - The middle eastern man across the road demanded the snow woman be completely covered.
8:40 - The police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The 'council on equality' officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - A TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snowwomen. I replied "Snowballs" and am now a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far-left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding that I be arrested.
9:45 - The boss called and fired me because of the negative association with work that had been all over social media.
10:00 - I cried into my drink because all I wanted to do was build a snowman...
Moral: There ain't no moral to this story. It is what this world has become because of a bunch of snowflakes.....
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snowwoman.
8:15 - So, I made a snowwoman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:22 - The transgender man. woman... person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and are not used to decorate snow figures.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:30 - I used food coloring to make one of the snow couple a different color and be more racially inclusive.
8:37 - Then I was accused of using blackface on the snowperson.
8:39 - The middle eastern man across the road demanded the snow woman be completely covered.
8:40 - The police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The 'council on equality' officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - A TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snowwomen. I replied "Snowballs" and am now a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far-left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding that I be arrested.
9:45 - The boss called and fired me because of the negative association with work that had been all over social media.
10:00 - I cried into my drink because all I wanted to do was build a snowman...
Moral: There ain't no moral to this story. It is what this world has become because of a bunch of snowflakes.....
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Tiredretiredlawyer
- Posts: 8176
- Joined: Tue Feb 23, 2021 10:07 pm
- Location: Rescue Pets Land
- Occupation: 21st Century Suffragist
- Verified: ✅🐴🐎🦄🌻5000 posts and counting
Jokes
"Mickey Mouse and I grew up together." - Ruthie Tompson, Disney animation checker and scene planner and one of the first women to become a member of the International Photographers Union in 1952.
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Kriselda Gray
- Posts: 3125
- Joined: Sun Nov 28, 2021 10:48 pm
- Location: Asgard
- Occupation: Aspiring Novelist
- Verified: ✅
- Contact:
Jokes
jemcanada2 wrote: ↑Sun Jan 08, 2023 12:01 am “Liberals don’t laugh at lame conservative joke. Why this is bad news for Biden!”
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busterbunker
- Posts: 294
- Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2021 9:46 pm
Jokes
So this guy walks into a diner, has a nice meal. The waitress comes by, asks him if he would like some dessert. He says "Yes, a slice of apple pie, please."
"I'm sorry, we're all out of apple pie," she replies. "Will peach pie do?"
"I'm sorry, we're all out of apple pie," she replies. "Will peach pie do?"
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Foggy
- Dick Tater
- Posts: 11421
- Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2021 8:45 am
- Location: Fogbow HQ
- Occupation: Dick Tater/Space Cadet
- Verified: grumpy ol' geezer
Jokes
Bingo? 
Anyway, that was fun, but I cleaned up the thread of almost everything that wasn't jokes, and I kept the wonderful joke about mean imaginary liberals.
Anyway, that was fun, but I cleaned up the thread of almost everything that wasn't jokes, and I kept the wonderful joke about mean imaginary liberals.
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Foggy
- Dick Tater
- Posts: 11421
- Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2021 8:45 am
- Location: Fogbow HQ
- Occupation: Dick Tater/Space Cadet
- Verified: grumpy ol' geezer
Jokes
Tweet from @LloydLegalist:
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?"
"No, go right ahead” the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora" and sits back down.
"Thanks", the woman says, "that means a lot.”
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roadscholar
- Posts: 839
- Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2021 11:17 am
- Location: Baltimore
- Occupation: Renaissance Mechanic
- Contact:
Jokes
That was pretty funny, as are all examples of right-wingers griping about stuff that never actually happens.
The bitterest truth is more wholesome than the sweetest lie.