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Jokes

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Sam the Centipede
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Re: Jokes

#251

Post by Sam the Centipede »

humblescribe wrote: Mon Aug 08, 2022 4:44 pm
Sam the Centipede wrote: Mon Aug 08, 2022 3:04 pm I was curious about the orchestra question - easily found - it was from a Nottingham UK maths teacher (maths 'cos UK, not math!; they teach in plural there)

:snippity:
Their whole grammar and spelling are weird. Singular nouns take plural verbs. (A couple wait for you.) No, couple is singular; thathence it takes the singular conjugation: A couple waits for you. Same with family. There are others too. Just because a singular word implies more than one does not equal a plural predicate. In addition it is not euphonious. It grates.

While I give a pass on the superfluous u in nouns that end in -or like favor or labor, and the -ise suffix (instead of -ize), I am shocked that they spell programme as such. I am shocked that artifact is spelled (or should I write spelt, like the grain?) artefact. I am really shocked that they spell skeptic with a hard c before the e: sceptic. This last one is truly bizarre.

No wonder we revolted in 1775.
?? There are only a few minor speling difrunces and they are mainly retention of old French spellings which yer man Noah Webster (I think) changed (in his mind improved) when he roat hiz mor lojikul dichshunry. It's revisionist AmE that is out of step. :biggrin:
Off Topic
BrE uses "programme" for schedules but "program" for computer code. "Disc" or "disk" similarly.

Past forms of strong and weak verbs are in flux in both countries. BrE is losing or has lost some: e.g. "dived" rather than "dove". How "gotten" became "got" I dunno – but the -en form is retained in compound verbs: "I forgot" but still "it's been forgotten". Odd!

The 1776 Restoration Movement should campaign for reinstatement of the pre-Webster 1776 forms – or as traditionalist Christians for the resurrection of God-given King James Version spellings, just as Jesus used!

Yeah, the BrE rule on verb number for collective nouns is that the plural form can (usually is) used when the members are referred to. It has logic: if you think about "this bag of apples is/are rotten", it's not the single bag that is rotten, it's the multiple apples. So plural?

Or "the government is/are in agreement"? One thing can't be in agreement! It's multiple people who agree. As JamesThurber reminisced "the container for the thing contained ".

Think of the collective as a determiner and it unpacks quite neatly.

Official or formal BrE documents tend to follow the collectives-are-singular rule, but I suspect that's because the authors learnt Latin at "public" (i.e. expensive private! – now that is crazy!) schools.

Some of the BrE->AmE changes arose because many speakers in the US acquired English as an additional language so were less familiar with detailed BrE rules and adopted grammar rules from their native languages.

Celtic languages (Irish and Scottish Gaelic, Irish, Breton, etc.) don't use plural verb forms when the number is given, so (translated to English): "there are dogs in the houses" but "there are four dog in the three house". Go tell them they don't do plurals properly!

In (most) Scandinavian languages we have it easy: singular and plural verb forms are identical! Think: "I are, you are, he/she/it are, we are, you are, they are". Adjectives misbehave a little to restore some balance, but it's only a token gesture
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Re: Jokes

#252

Post by northland10 »

Sam the Centipede wrote: Mon Aug 08, 2022 3:04 pm But the hypothetical orchestra must have omitted one of the movements or doubled the tempo to knock out Beethoven's 9th that quickly!
1. Yeah, I would have loved 40 minutes when I was sitting on stage for way longer before we even begin the scream fest. At least it is shorter than how long you sit on stage before singing on Mahler's second. At least my dad can hide behind a tuba during long stretches not playing.

2. German is not easy to sing extremely fast. Too many consonants. The German language does not allow for the Italian method of sticking 15 syllables on a sixteenth note (I have yet to forgive Mozart for this on an aria I did in college).

3. On a plus note, at least nobody would be able to notice how badly the soloists butchered the cadenza.

4. If Beethoven actually knew how to end his music, they would be much shorter. He had 50 bazillion codas in his head and was bound and determined to use every damn one of them so he loaded up every work with hundreds of codas. When he actually ended a piece, the ending almost came out of nowhere.

5. It has to be shorter, union rules.
101010 :towel:
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pjhimself
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Re: Jokes

#253

Post by pjhimself »

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand-new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8 I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate it when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
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Re: Jokes

#254

Post by RTH10260 »

Officer: What's in this bottle?

Lady: Simply water.

Officer: Looks like wine to me!

Lady: OMG - Jesus did it again :thumbsup:
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Re: Jokes

#255

Post by RTH10260 »

read yourself
Pasta one-liner wins best joke award at Edinburgh festival fringe

https://www.theguardian.com/stage/2022/ ... val-fringe
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Re: Jokes

#256

Post by raison de arizona »

Image
“Remember, democracy never lasts long. It soon wastes, exhausts, and murders itself. There never was a democracy yet that did not commit suicide.” —John Adams
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Re: Jokes

#257

Post by raison de arizona »

3108D158-B34E-45B5-B1CC-3639026EEAF5.jpeg
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“Remember, democracy never lasts long. It soon wastes, exhausts, and murders itself. There never was a democracy yet that did not commit suicide.” —John Adams
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Re: Jokes

#258

Post by northland10 »

:thumbsup:
101010 :towel:
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Re: Jokes

#259

Post by Foggy »

Yeah, please explain for those who are not musically literate, because I don't get it. :confuzzled:
Some things are simply too fast, or too relentless to avoid. Like the North Carolina rain.

Or the future.
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Re: Jokes

#260

Post by bill_g »

+1
jemcanada2
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Re: Jokes

#261

Post by jemcanada2 »

Foggy wrote: Wed Sep 07, 2022 10:42 am Yeah, please explain for those who are not musically literate, because I don't get it. :confuzzled:
I think the two dots indicate a full stop. So it says “I like to eat. Puppies,” not “I like to eat puppies.” :think: :think:
bbflatt
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Re: Jokes

#262

Post by bbflatt »

The measure with the "1." over it is the first ending, the 2 dots indicate that the section is repeated, and the measure with the "2." over it is the second ending, so it should be read "I like to eat, I like puppies".
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Re: Jokes

#263

Post by Foggy »

Ah. Thank you, bbflatt. :thumbsup:
Some things are simply too fast, or too relentless to avoid. Like the North Carolina rain.

Or the future.
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tek
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Re: Jokes

#264

Post by tek »

I had to think back to my sixth-grade clarinet lessons to figure that out :oldman:
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Re: Jokes

#265

Post by raison de arizona »

Manuel Aragorn, Non Fungible Tolkien Minority @Spacejunc wrote: I think the Queen would want us all to live the way she did, with free public housing, basic universal income, and full government health care.
https://twitter.com/Spacejunc/status/15 ... 3383866370
“Remember, democracy never lasts long. It soon wastes, exhausts, and murders itself. There never was a democracy yet that did not commit suicide.” —John Adams
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Re: Jokes

#266

Post by Flatpoint High »

Herschel Walker
castigat ridendo mores.
VELOCIUS QUAM ASPARAGI COQUANTUR
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Re: Jokes

#267

Post by raison de arizona »

Flatpoint High wrote: Fri Sep 09, 2022 12:04 pm Herschel Walker
Ha!
“Remember, democracy never lasts long. It soon wastes, exhausts, and murders itself. There never was a democracy yet that did not commit suicide.” —John Adams
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Re: Jokes

#268

Post by raison de arizona »

Stephen King @StephenKing wrote:Fun fact: Ants don't catch Covid because they have these teeny little anty bodies.
https://twitter.com/StephenKing/status/ ... 0104878080
“Remember, democracy never lasts long. It soon wastes, exhausts, and murders itself. There never was a democracy yet that did not commit suicide.” —John Adams
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Re: Jokes

#269

Post by RTH10260 »

*groan* :doh:
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Re: Jokes

#270

Post by keith »

I understand that some of these Russians that have been falling out of Hospital Windows actually lived to talk about it.

It seems they told the folks on the 12th floor, the 11th floor, the 10th floor...
Has everybody heard about the bird?
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Re: Jokes

#271

Post by raison de arizona »

Image
“Remember, democracy never lasts long. It soon wastes, exhausts, and murders itself. There never was a democracy yet that did not commit suicide.” —John Adams
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Re: Jokes

#272

Post by Flatpoint High »

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Re: Jokes

#273

Post by raison de arizona »

Image
“Remember, democracy never lasts long. It soon wastes, exhausts, and murders itself. There never was a democracy yet that did not commit suicide.” —John Adams
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Re: Jokes

#274

Post by raison de arizona »

I support this message.
🖕🏻Aunt Crabby Calls Bullshit 🖕🏻 @DearAuntCrabby wrote: Dear MAGA'ts -- new feature for the mid-term elections. You can now vote using your mind. On November 8th all you have to do is think about voting and voila, done!
“Remember, democracy never lasts long. It soon wastes, exhausts, and murders itself. There never was a democracy yet that did not commit suicide.” —John Adams
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Re: Jokes

#275

Post by raison de arizona »

Image
“Remember, democracy never lasts long. It soon wastes, exhausts, and murders itself. There never was a democracy yet that did not commit suicide.” —John Adams
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