Jokes

User avatar
Sam the Centipede
Posts: 709
Joined: Thu Feb 25, 2021 12:19 pm

Re: Jokes

#251

Post by Sam the Centipede »

humblescribe wrote: Mon Aug 08, 2022 4:44 pm
Sam the Centipede wrote: Mon Aug 08, 2022 3:04 pm I was curious about the orchestra question - easily found - it was from a Nottingham UK maths teacher (maths 'cos UK, not math!; they teach in plural there)

:snippity:
Their whole grammar and spelling are weird. Singular nouns take plural verbs. (A couple wait for you.) No, couple is singular; thathence it takes the singular conjugation: A couple waits for you. Same with family. There are others too. Just because a singular word implies more than one does not equal a plural predicate. In addition it is not euphonious. It grates.

While I give a pass on the superfluous u in nouns that end in -or like favor or labor, and the -ise suffix (instead of -ize), I am shocked that they spell programme as such. I am shocked that artifact is spelled (or should I write spelt, like the grain?) artefact. I am really shocked that they spell skeptic with a hard c before the e: sceptic. This last one is truly bizarre.

No wonder we revolted in 1775.
?? There are only a few minor speling difrunces and they are mainly retention of old French spellings which yer man Noah Webster (I think) changed (in his mind improved) when he roat hiz mor lojikul dichshunry. It's revisionist AmE that is out of step. :biggrin:
Off Topic
BrE uses "programme" for schedules but "program" for computer code. "Disc" or "disk" similarly.

Past forms of strong and weak verbs are in flux in both countries. BrE is losing or has lost some: e.g. "dived" rather than "dove". How "gotten" became "got" I dunno – but the -en form is retained in compound verbs: "I forgot" but still "it's been forgotten". Odd!

The 1776 Restoration Movement should campaign for reinstatement of the pre-Webster 1776 forms – or as traditionalist Christians for the resurrection of God-given King James Version spellings, just as Jesus used!

Yeah, the BrE rule on verb number for collective nouns is that the plural form can (usually is) used when the members are referred to. It has logic: if you think about "this bag of apples is/are rotten", it's not the single bag that is rotten, it's the multiple apples. So plural?

Or "the government is/are in agreement"? One thing can't be in agreement! It's multiple people who agree. As JamesThurber reminisced "the container for the thing contained ".

Think of the collective as a determiner and it unpacks quite neatly.

Official or formal BrE documents tend to follow the collectives-are-singular rule, but I suspect that's because the authors learnt Latin at "public" (i.e. expensive private! – now that is crazy!) schools.

Some of the BrE->AmE changes arose because many speakers in the US acquired English as an additional language so were less familiar with detailed BrE rules and adopted grammar rules from their native languages.

Celtic languages (Irish and Scottish Gaelic, Irish, Breton, etc.) don't use plural verb forms when the number is given, so (translated to English): "there are dogs in the houses" but "there are four dog in the three house". Go tell them they don't do plurals properly!

In (most) Scandinavian languages we have it easy: singular and plural verb forms are identical! Think: "I are, you are, he/she/it are, we are, you are, they are". Adjectives misbehave a little to restore some balance, but it's only a token gesture


User avatar
northland10
Posts: 3406
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2021 6:47 pm
Location: Northeast Illinois
Occupation:: Organist/Choir Director/Fundraising Data Analyst

Re: Jokes

#252

Post by northland10 »

Sam the Centipede wrote: Mon Aug 08, 2022 3:04 pm But the hypothetical orchestra must have omitted one of the movements or doubled the tempo to knock out Beethoven's 9th that quickly!
1. Yeah, I would have loved 40 minutes when I was sitting on stage for way longer before we even begin the scream fest. At least it is shorter than how long you sit on stage before singing on Mahler's second. At least my dad can hide behind a tuba during long stretches not playing.

2. German is not easy to sing extremely fast. Too many consonants. The German language does not allow for the Italian method of sticking 15 syllables on a sixteenth note (I have yet to forgive Mozart for this on an aria I did in college).

3. On a plus note, at least nobody would be able to notice how badly the soloists butchered the cadenza.

4. If Beethoven actually knew how to end his music, they would be much shorter. He had 50 bazillion codas in his head and was bound and determined to use every damn one of them so he loaded up every work with hundreds of codas. When he actually ended a piece, the ending almost came out of nowhere.

5. It has to be shorter, union rules.


User avatar
pjhimself
Posts: 496
Joined: Fri Mar 05, 2021 11:33 am

Re: Jokes

#253

Post by pjhimself »

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand-new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8 I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate it when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.


User avatar
RTH10260
Posts: 5974
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2021 10:16 am
Location: Switzerland, near the Alps

Re: Jokes

#254

Post by RTH10260 »

Officer: What's in this bottle?

Lady: Simply water.

Officer: Looks like wine to me!

Lady: OMG - Jesus did it again :thumbsup:


User avatar
RTH10260
Posts: 5974
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2021 10:16 am
Location: Switzerland, near the Alps

Re: Jokes

#255

Post by RTH10260 »

read yourself
Pasta one-liner wins best joke award at Edinburgh festival fringe

https://www.theguardian.com/stage/2022/ ... val-fringe


User avatar
raison de arizona
Posts: 9478
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2021 10:21 am
Location: Nothing, Arizona
Occupation:: bit twiddler

Re: Jokes

#256

Post by raison de arizona »

Image


"Take these seeds and put them in your pocket, so at least sunflowers will grow when you all die here."
User avatar
raison de arizona
Posts: 9478
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2021 10:21 am
Location: Nothing, Arizona
Occupation:: bit twiddler

Re: Jokes

#257

Post by raison de arizona »

3108D158-B34E-45B5-B1CC-3639026EEAF5.jpeg
3108D158-B34E-45B5-B1CC-3639026EEAF5.jpeg (148.88 KiB) Viewed 611 times


"Take these seeds and put them in your pocket, so at least sunflowers will grow when you all die here."
User avatar
northland10
Posts: 3406
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2021 6:47 pm
Location: Northeast Illinois
Occupation:: Organist/Choir Director/Fundraising Data Analyst

Re: Jokes

#258

Post by northland10 »

:thumbsup:


User avatar
Foggy
Dick Tater
Posts: 4989
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2021 8:45 am
Location: TOP SECRET Fogbow HQ
Occupation:: muttering and puttering

Re: Jokes

#259

Post by Foggy »

Yeah, please explain for those who are not musically literate, because I don't get it. :confuzzled:


We are NOT going back! - Nancy Pelosi
Mood: pepaloptish
User avatar
bill_g
Posts: 2885
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2021 5:52 pm

Re: Jokes

#260

Post by bill_g »

+1


jemcanada2
Posts: 364
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2021 10:12 am

Re: Jokes

#261

Post by jemcanada2 »

Foggy wrote: Wed Sep 07, 2022 10:42 am Yeah, please explain for those who are not musically literate, because I don't get it. :confuzzled:
I think the two dots indicate a full stop. So it says “I like to eat. Puppies,” not “I like to eat puppies.” :think: :think:


bbflatt
Posts: 39
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2021 4:09 pm

Re: Jokes

#262

Post by bbflatt »

The measure with the "1." over it is the first ending, the 2 dots indicate that the section is repeated, and the measure with the "2." over it is the second ending, so it should be read "I like to eat, I like puppies".


User avatar
Foggy
Dick Tater
Posts: 4989
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2021 8:45 am
Location: TOP SECRET Fogbow HQ
Occupation:: muttering and puttering

Re: Jokes

#263

Post by Foggy »

Ah. Thank you, bbflatt. :thumbsup:


We are NOT going back! - Nancy Pelosi
Mood: pepaloptish
User avatar
tek
Posts: 1565
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2021 10:15 am

Re: Jokes

#264

Post by tek »

I had to think back to my sixth-grade clarinet lessons to figure that out :oldman:


User avatar
raison de arizona
Posts: 9478
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2021 10:21 am
Location: Nothing, Arizona
Occupation:: bit twiddler

Re: Jokes

#265

Post by raison de arizona »

Manuel Aragorn, Non Fungible Tolkien Minority @Spacejunc wrote: I think the Queen would want us all to live the way she did, with free public housing, basic universal income, and full government health care.
https://twitter.com/Spacejunc/status/15 ... 3383866370


"Take these seeds and put them in your pocket, so at least sunflowers will grow when you all die here."
User avatar
Flatpoint High
Posts: 469
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2021 11:58 am
Location: Hotel California, PH523, Galaxy Central, M103
Occupation:: professional pain in the ass, voice actor & keeper of the straight face

Re: Jokes

#266

Post by Flatpoint High »

Herschel Walker


castigat ridendo mores. oh, and
VELOCIUS QUAM ASPARAGI COQUANTUR
User avatar
raison de arizona
Posts: 9478
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2021 10:21 am
Location: Nothing, Arizona
Occupation:: bit twiddler

Re: Jokes

#267

Post by raison de arizona »

Flatpoint High wrote: Fri Sep 09, 2022 12:04 pm Herschel Walker
Ha!


"Take these seeds and put them in your pocket, so at least sunflowers will grow when you all die here."
User avatar
raison de arizona
Posts: 9478
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2021 10:21 am
Location: Nothing, Arizona
Occupation:: bit twiddler

Re: Jokes

#268

Post by raison de arizona »

Stephen King @StephenKing wrote:Fun fact: Ants don't catch Covid because they have these teeny little anty bodies.
https://twitter.com/StephenKing/status/ ... 0104878080


"Take these seeds and put them in your pocket, so at least sunflowers will grow when you all die here."
User avatar
RTH10260
Posts: 5974
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2021 10:16 am
Location: Switzerland, near the Alps

Re: Jokes

#269

Post by RTH10260 »

*groan* :doh:


User avatar
keith
Posts: 1612
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2021 10:23 pm
Location: The Swamp in Victorian Oz
Occupation:: Retired Computer Systems Analyst Project Manager Super Coder

Re: Jokes

#270

Post by keith »

I understand that some of these Russians that have been falling out of Hospital Windows actually lived to talk about it.

It seems they told the folks on the 12th floor, the 11th floor, the 10th floor...


According to Woody Allen, Drew Barrymore sings so badly, deaf people refuse to watch her lips move.
User avatar
raison de arizona
Posts: 9478
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2021 10:21 am
Location: Nothing, Arizona
Occupation:: bit twiddler

Re: Jokes

#271

Post by raison de arizona »

Image


"Take these seeds and put them in your pocket, so at least sunflowers will grow when you all die here."
User avatar
Flatpoint High
Posts: 469
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2021 11:58 am
Location: Hotel California, PH523, Galaxy Central, M103
Occupation:: professional pain in the ass, voice actor & keeper of the straight face

Re: Jokes

#272

Post by Flatpoint High »

FcnuK-tWQAAyCAd.jpeg
FcnuK-tWQAAyCAd.jpeg (50.37 KiB) Viewed 224 times


castigat ridendo mores. oh, and
VELOCIUS QUAM ASPARAGI COQUANTUR
User avatar
raison de arizona
Posts: 9478
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2021 10:21 am
Location: Nothing, Arizona
Occupation:: bit twiddler

Re: Jokes

#273

Post by raison de arizona »

Image


"Take these seeds and put them in your pocket, so at least sunflowers will grow when you all die here."
User avatar
raison de arizona
Posts: 9478
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2021 10:21 am
Location: Nothing, Arizona
Occupation:: bit twiddler

Re: Jokes

#274

Post by raison de arizona »

I support this message.
🖕🏻Aunt Crabby Calls Bullshit 🖕🏻 @DearAuntCrabby wrote: Dear MAGA'ts -- new feature for the mid-term elections. You can now vote using your mind. On November 8th all you have to do is think about voting and voila, done!


"Take these seeds and put them in your pocket, so at least sunflowers will grow when you all die here."
User avatar
raison de arizona
Posts: 9478
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2021 10:21 am
Location: Nothing, Arizona
Occupation:: bit twiddler

Re: Jokes

#275

Post by raison de arizona »

Image


"Take these seeds and put them in your pocket, so at least sunflowers will grow when you all die here."
Post Reply

Return to “The Funny”