Jokes

[pipistrelle]

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[raison de arizona]

[roadscholar]

point.jpg

“Nuts.”

[raison de arizona]

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building...which is all incredibly stressful because there's just no way I'm going to get away with it twice

I read this to my daughter, who said "Not with that attitude."

[pjhimself]

[pjhimself]

I hate it when cashiers feel like they have to examine my money to make sure it is not counterfeit.
If I could counterfeit money, I wouldn't be buying crap at the Dollar Store.

Walmart is opening dental offices in some of its stores. There will be an express lane for people with 12 teeth or less.

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his gut. "That's not going to help," she said. "Sure it does," he replied. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

This morning I accidently used the dog's shampoo. I feel like such a good boy.

10 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today, everyone has a car and only the rich have horses. Oh, how the stables have turned.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Philosophy is wondering if a Bloody Mary counts as a smoothie.
So, I was at the bar last night and the waitress screamed, "Anyone know CPR?"I said, "Hell, I know the entire alphabet.”
Everyone laughed -- except this one guy.

I never called you stupid, but when I asked you to spell orange and you asked me the fruit or the colour, it kinda caught me off guard.

Young guy: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Girlfriend: Flathead, Phillips, Robertson or vodka?And, that was when he knew she was the one.

Never ask Google for medical advice.I've gone from a mild headache to clinically dead in three clicks.

Once you hit a certain age, you become permanently unimpressed by a lot of stuff.

Finally fixed that annoying sound in my car. I just opened the door and pushed him out.

[AndyinPA]

[Foggy]

10 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.

I suspect that's a typo, and it should be 100 years ago. And even in 1922, cars were becoming more popular.

Don't mean to be picky (Narrator: Of course he's being picky), and the other jokes were good, too also.

[northland10]

If you have a bad musician in your orchestra, give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist. If they can't handle that, take away one of the sticks, put him in the front, and call him a conductor.

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra. A bull has horns in front and the asshole in the back. An orchestra has the horns in the back and the asshole in the front.

[keith]

10 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.

I suspect that's a typo, and it should be 100 years ago. And even in 1922, cars were becoming more popular.

Don't mean to be picky (Narrator: Of course he's being picky), and the other jokes were good, too also.

I hadda do a research paper for High School English, as everybody does (I'm old, this was mid 60's). Mine was about the changes in society due to technology adoption. I showed how automation progressed from giant steam engines driving one tool, to driving a factory floor full of tools, to hand tools like drills. I traced the adoption of the automobile, and showed how the dependence accelerated. Finally, I used those examples to predict the steady adoption and eventual ubiquitous presence of the computer (I was also doing a programming class at the time - ah the joys of 1401 Autocoder and Fortran IV).

My most memorable 'discovery' when chasing the car, was an article in some magazine from the late-ish 20's (New Yorker maybe?) that interviewed a woman that claimed she would rather go with out clothes than give up her car.

[raison de arizona]

I don't much follow sportsball, but I do follow Stanton because he is a cool guy with important things to say. Anyway, here's the joke.

[pjhimself]

10 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.

I suspect that's a typo, and it should be 100 years ago. And even in 1922, cars were becoming more popular.

Don't mean to be picky (Narrator: Of course he's being picky), and the other jokes were good, too also.

I thought this was a “jokes” thread.

Sorry

[Sam the Centipede]

I thought this was a “jokes” thread.

Sorry

No, all threads on Fogbow are pedantry threads. Well, not exactly all threads...

[sugar magnolia]

I thought this was a “jokes” thread.

Sorry

No, all threads on Fogbow are pedantry threads. Well, not exactly all threads...

Only the ones people post in.

[northland10]

I thought this was a “jokes” thread.

Sorry

No, all threads on Fogbow are pedantry threads. Well, not exactly all threads...

Only the ones people post in.

All threads I start are safe and pedantry free!!!

[pjhimself]

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?”

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the Good Father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!”

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment………
Father O'Malley then replied, "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.

[pjhimself]

[Suranis]

[MN-Skeptic]

In ancient Babylon legend says there was once a king who was only 12 inches tall.

A terrible person.

But a great ruler.

[MN-Skeptic]

I spilled spot remover on my dog.

Now he's gone.

- Steven Wright

[raison de arizona]

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[Sam the Centipede]

I was curious about the orchestra question - easily found - it was from a Nottingham UK maths teacher (maths 'cos UK, not math!; they teach in plural there), Claire Longmoor, who included it on a worksheet for her class. She even wrote a warning at the top of the sheet "Beware there is one trick question!" (Actually some of the others weren't well-defined if one wished to be picky.)

So, as usual, much of the internet decided a very neat little teaching point well-executed was someone being stupid. Duh.

But the hypothetical orchestra must have omitted one of the movements or doubled the tempo to knock our Beethoven's 9th that quickly!

[Phoenix520]

If they play it like the Minute Waltz, maybe 10 minutes?

[humblescribe]

I was curious about the orchestra question - easily found - it was from a Nottingham UK maths teacher (maths 'cos UK, not math!; they teach in plural there)

Their whole grammar and spelling are weird. Singular nouns take plural verbs. (A couple wait for you.) No, couple is singular; hence it takes the singular conjugation: A couple waits for you. Same with family. There are others too. Just because a singular word implies more than one does not equal a plural predicate. In addition it is not euphonious. It grates.

While I give a pass on the superfluous u in nouns that end in -or like favor or labor, and the -ise suffix (instead of -ize), I am shocked that they spell programme as such. I am shocked that artifact is spelled (or should I write spelt, like the grain?) artefact. I am really shocked that they spell skeptic with a hard c before the e: sceptic. This last one is truly bizarre.

No wonder we revolted in 1775.

[Dave from down under]

Colour me shocked…