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Jokes

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neonzx
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Re: Jokes

#101

Post by neonzx »

So, so true. I hate those sites that make us use the spinny wheel to input our birth year. :oldman:
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Re: Jokes

#102

Post by Tiredretiredlawyer »

AndyinPA wrote: Tue Jun 08, 2021 10:31 pm I don't think I've ever met a nut I didn't like, but boiled peanuts are pretty low on my list.

I just made up some trail mix today--peanuts, almonds, sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, dried cherries, and some pretzel mix. Yum!
YUM!!!!!!!!!!!
FIFY.
"Mickey Mouse and I grew up together." - Ruthie Tompson, Disney animation checker and scene planner and one of the first women to become a member of the International Photographers Union in 1952.
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Re: Jokes

#103

Post by neonzx »

Tiredretiredlawyer wrote: Tue Jun 29, 2021 11:59 am
AndyinPA wrote: Tue Jun 08, 2021 10:31 pm I don't think I've ever met a nut I didn't like, but boiled peanuts are pretty low on my list.
YUM!!!!!!!!!!!
FIFY.
YUCK!!!!!!!!!
FIFY.

Never had them until I moved down south. Don't get the appeal. Why would anyone want mushy warm peanuts in the shell? Are they for older people with dentures? :think:
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Re: Jokes

#104

Post by Tiredretiredlawyer »

I YUMed the trail mix. :biggrin:
"Mickey Mouse and I grew up together." - Ruthie Tompson, Disney animation checker and scene planner and one of the first women to become a member of the International Photographers Union in 1952.
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sugar magnolia
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Re: Jokes

#105

Post by sugar magnolia »

neonzx wrote: Tue Jun 29, 2021 12:07 pm
Tiredretiredlawyer wrote: Tue Jun 29, 2021 11:59 am
AndyinPA wrote: Tue Jun 08, 2021 10:31 pm I don't think I've ever met a nut I didn't like, but boiled peanuts are pretty low on my list.
YUM!!!!!!!!!!!
FIFY.
YUCK!!!!!!!!!
FIFY.

Never had them until I moved down south. Don't get the appeal. Why would anyone want mushy warm peanuts in the shell? Are they for older people with dentures? :think:
You don't eat the shell. And don't "yuck" it until you've tried boiled peanut hummus.
I love boiled peanuts and often buy a bag at the stop-n-rob to nosh on in the car.
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Re: Jokes

#106

Post by Estiveo »

neonzx wrote: Tue Jun 29, 2021 12:07 pmYUCK!!!!!!!!!
FIFY.

Never had them until I moved down south. Don't get the appeal. Why would anyone want mushy warm peanuts in the shell? Are they for older people with dentures? :think:
Try 'em with mayo. Mayo makes everything better.
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Re: Jokes

#107

Post by Phoenix520 »

:mrgreen:
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Re: Jokes

#108

Post by zekeb »

Estiveo wrote: Tue Jun 29, 2021 12:18 pm
neonzx wrote: Tue Jun 29, 2021 12:07 pmYUCK!!!!!!!!!
FIFY.

Never had them until I moved down south. Don't get the appeal. Why would anyone want mushy warm peanuts in the shell? Are they for older people with dentures? :think:
Try 'em with mayo. Mayo makes everything better.
Does Mayo make them taste like chicken salad?
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Re: Jokes

#109

Post by Estiveo »

Maybe like satay chicken salad without the chicken.
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Re: Jokes

#110

Post by somerset »

Estiveo wrote: Tue Jun 29, 2021 4:36 pm Maybe like satay chicken salad without the chicken.
??????
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Re: Jokes

#111

Post by pjhimself »

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.



ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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Re: Jokes

#112

Post by Patagoniagirl »

A friend met me for lunch today. She sat down and said, "What is that you are having?!" I said, "Fruit Salad." Then, being the judgmental person she is, she said it looked like Sangria. I didnt care and continued sipping my fruit salad. What a bitch!
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Re: Jokes

#113

Post by MsDaisy »

pjhimself wrote: Tue Jun 29, 2021 4:50 pm These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
:snippity:
:rotflmao:
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Re: Jokes

#114

Post by Phoenix520 »

PGirl, Ima shameless steal that one. :lol:
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Re: Jokes

#115

Post by derevan »

A bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have a whisky and....coke."

The bartender says "Why the big pause?"

"I dunno," says the bear. "I was born with 'em."
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Re: Jokes

#116

Post by Tiredretiredlawyer »

derevan -
GROAN!!!!! but Ima stealing it!
"Mickey Mouse and I grew up together." - Ruthie Tompson, Disney animation checker and scene planner and one of the first women to become a member of the International Photographers Union in 1952.
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Re: Jokes

#117

Post by poplove »

The baby snake says to the mommy snake, "Mommy, are we venomous?"

The mommy snake says, "Why do you ask?"

And the baby snake says, "Because I just bit my tongue."
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Re: Jokes

#118

Post by Phoenix520 »

derevan
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Re: Jokes

#119

Post by derevan »

Tiredretiredlawyer wrote: Sat Jul 03, 2021 9:56 am derevan -
GROAN!!!!! but Ima stealing it!
:biggrin:

That made my day!
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Re: Jokes

#120

Post by Suranis »

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Re: Jokes

#121

Post by Estiveo »

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Re: Jokes

#122

Post by RTH10260 »

:rotflmao: but took me a moment to link the words ;)
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Re: Jokes

#123

Post by Tiredretiredlawyer »

:rotflmao:
"Mickey Mouse and I grew up together." - Ruthie Tompson, Disney animation checker and scene planner and one of the first women to become a member of the International Photographers Union in 1952.
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Re: Jokes

#124

Post by Estiveo »



Spoiler for those who don't want to go to the Twitter machine:
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Re: Jokes

#125

Post by Estiveo »

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