AndyinPA

[RVInit]

Sounds more like giant strides than baby steps.
I am in awe.

[bill_g]

My mom and I had a rocky relationship.
(snip)
Sorry for rambling so much, and thanks if you read the whole thing.

Kris - I stopped in to see how Andy was doing, and came across your post that I missed last week. Wow. What a story. Thank you for telling us. Big hugs for you.

[bill_g]

Well, a few things have gone a little better this week.

Good morning Andy - Just stopped in to say hi, and see how you're doing.

[AndyinPA]

Well, a few things have gone a little better this week.

Good morning Andy - Just stopped in to say hi, and see how you're doing.

Thank you. Plodding along. I guess there's progress; it's just that there's so much that some days it feels overwhelming. I'm mostly concentrating on paperwork so far. The kids were here for the first time this weekend without Grandpap. His absence was noticeable, but we got through it. We are talking about him freely, and I think that helps. We were told when he was in the hospital to keep it low-keyed so as not to scare them, but we are sharing a little more about how bad the accident was. They seem to be able to handle it.

I'm glad to see some progress on your home front, too.

[Slim Cognito]

[Phoenix520]

for everyone. Kris, those issues are so hard. Andy,

[Kriselda Gray]

Thanks, guys

[RVInit]

for everyone. Kris, those issues are so hard. Andy,

[Tiredretiredlawyer]

[AndyinPA]

It's three months today, and it weighs heavily. It's still overwhelming, but I met with the attorney on Wednesday, got sworn in as executor. That should help with some things that I just can't do without that. That makes selling all those cars easier. The windows go in in two weeks, and I have no clue how we're going to get ready for it. But we will. I have decided to put wood flooring in most of the house. That will make the prep for the windows feel like a walk in the park. One of the pensions was really easy to transfer. The other is driving me crazy. I asked the attorney if it will be this hard for my kids when I pass, and she assured me it will not. Some days I feel as if I will spend the rest of my life doing this. I never get half of what I plan to do done each day. So, yeah, I am not seriously depressed, but I am down.

My granddaughter and I are going to New York City next Wednesday morning on the train. It's her belated 13th birthday trip from last summer. We will be back the Sunday after. This was always a grandma/granddaughter trip.

I am still working on details for the cruise in August.

I wake up less often not believing this ever happened, that he's really gone. Reality has set in, but I'm not sure if that's better or worse.

[MN-Skeptic]

I just read through this thread again and I have some rambling comments.

It was five years ago in April when my husband died at age 63 from a sudden, unexpected heart attack. After your spouse is gone, it's like a part of yourself is missing. You were a team for so many years - we had been married 41 years - that it just seems weird and off kilter. We didn't have children, but my sister-in-law who lived an hour away was my rock to lean on in those initial weeks. One thing that I discovered very early, was that I needed to continue to talk to my sweetie, even if he wasn't there. "Michael! Look at those beautiful flowers! Aren't they great?" and "Thank you sweetie for cutting that hose to length! When I found it, I could put it on the dehumidifier and not have to constantly empty that tank!" I don't talk to him as much as I used to, but I still do at times.

When my sister's wife died in April - five years to the day after my husband - I knew some of what my sister would be going through and I flew out to Seattle to help her with those odd things you have to do after a spouse dies. And to just be there.

By the way, it sounds like excessive vehicles is a thing of husbands on this thread! When my husband died, we owned 10 vehicles - two 1956 Chevy pickups, two motorcycles (one brand new that my sweetie had just bought to use in his retirement, I still can't think about it without crying), a motor scooter, and five automobiles. Fortunately it was fairly easy in Minnesota to change the title to just me. I'm now down to just my 2017 Hyundai Santa Fe Sport which my husband bought a year before he passed away, and the fully restored cherry red 1956 Chevy pickup. And a neighbor came over this afternoon to inspect it, very interested in buying it. It hasn't been driven since 2000, so it needs work done to get it running, but my neighbor is interested in a project.

By the way, talk to an estate attorney or a tax accountant about step-up basis for property and items you might be selling now. Or for any investments you continue to own in taxable brokerage accounts. A couple of examples of what I'm talking about - If your husband was the sole owner of an acre of land that he paid $1,000 for but it was worth $5,000 at the time of his death, then you figure any gain on sale of that property based on a $5,000 cost value. The basis was stepped up. And if you owned property jointly, then his half of the property cost is stepped up in basis. Say you jointly own shares of Apple stock in a taxable account (NOT a retirement account) for which you paid $10,000, and it was worth $50,000 on the day of your husband's death. The adjusted basis would be your 1/2 of the original cost - $5,000 - and the stepped up value of your husband's portion - 1/2 of the value at the date of death - $25,000. So if you sell the stock, you calculate the gain based on a $30,000 cost, not a $10,000 cost. Does that make sense to you?

[p0rtia]

[Slim Cognito]

[Volkonski]

[raison de arizona]

[Tiredretiredlawyer]

[Patagoniagirl]

Andy, I am in awe of your ability to tackle all these tasks in any manner at all. I lost Greg seven years ago, and I guess I am a Long-Griefer. It's gotten better (by a lot) but triggers are everywhere. Especially here on the forum. Like right now.

I wish I could be more calm and practical like others here who have lost a precious loved one. I frankly was afraid I had a stroke. Forgetting where I was going, living in a fog. I found I was unable to read and retain more than a word in a sentence. I don't know if I would have been able to tackle all you are dealing with, Andy.

I was fortunate in a way. We had no property in the US, no joint assets or vehicles. Of course there are quite a few boringly monotonous chores that must be done after a death. One day at a time. Going to bed at night and giving yourself the affirmation that that day you did the best you could even if you don't believe it is a good habit.

Bird by Bird by Anne LaMotta.

Love to Andy, MN, Kris, and everyone else here.

[AndyinPA]

I just read through this thread again and I have some rambling comments.


By the way, talk to an estate attorney or a tax accountant about step-up basis for property and items you might be selling now. Or for any investments you continue to own in taxable brokerage accounts. A couple of examples of what I'm talking about - If your husband was the sole owner of an acre of land that he paid $1,000 for but it was worth $5,000 at the time of his death, then you figure any gain on sale of that property based on a $5,000 cost value. The basis was stepped up. And if you owned property jointly, then his half of the property cost is stepped up in basis. Say you jointly own shares of Apple stock in a taxable account (NOT a retirement account) for which you paid $10,000, and it was worth $50,000 on the day of your husband's death. The adjusted basis would be your 1/2 of the original cost - $5,000 - and the stepped up value of your husband's portion - 1/2 of the value at the date of death - $25,000. So if you sell the stock, you calculate the gain based on a $30,000 cost, not a $10,000 cost. Does that make sense to you?

Thank you. I was in the process of getting the property in Arizona listed when I needed my husband's signature! The property was in the trust, which ended at his death, and I couldn't get it notarized without his signature. Now, I have to put it in the new trust before I can go through with that. I have no idea what to do with the garage/property. These days, I'm thinking of bull dozing it and just selling the property. It's worth a lot more as a vacant lot since it's in such a good area. But it will cost me some unknown amount to do that. I really don't know. I go back and forth.

Most things were in the trust. We started the trust because of the property in Arizona. Arizona is a probate state. Pennsylvania is not. I'm only talking about property between spouses. If one of us died without the property in a trust, it triggered probate in Arizona, which triggered probate in Pennsylvania.

My husband got a new tax accountant this year, and I plan to continue using him, so I will have help with that. He's a five-minute drive away while the attorney is mostly in South Carolina.

[AndyinPA]

Andy, I am in awe of your ability to tackle all these tasks in any manner at all. I lost Greg seven years ago, and I guess I am a Long-Griefer. It's gotten better (by a lot) but triggers are everywhere. Especially here on the forum. Like right now.

I wish I could be more calm and practical like others here who have lost a precious loved one. I frankly was afraid I had a stroke. Forgetting where I was going, living in a fog. I found I was unable to read and retain more than a word in a sentence. I don't know if I would have been able to tackle all you are dealing with, Andy.

I was fortunate in a way. We had no property in the US, no joint assets or vehicles. Of course there are quite a few boringly monotonous chores that must be done after a death. One day at a time. Going to bed at night and giving yourself the affirmation that that day you did the best you could even if you don't believe it is a good habit.

Bird by Bird by Anne LaMotta.

Love to Andy, MN, Kris, and everyone else here.

I firmly believe everyone grieves in her own way, and there is no right or wrong way. I don't know why anyone would be in awe of me. I'm just doing what I have to do. If I had a choice, I wouldn't do most of what is on my plate at the moment.

I really wish I didn't have to go with this job of the windows. It means tearing the whole house apart, and I haven't even cleaned up a small fraction of my husband's stuff. I had planned to be out of the house for the two days the job will take because of my fear of heights. There will be scaffolds they have to build inside and outside. This is a job that was supposed to be done last fall, but my husband didn't have the deck finished. There is no deck now, and they are willing to work with that.

I'm probably nuts to be adding the job of changing most of the flooring, but the bedroom and den carpeting have to be replaced, and if I'm going with wood, I might as well do what's left of the carpeting the same. The bedroom carpeting has developed ridges, which is a fall risk, and I am really paranoid about falls right now.

I always knew the cleanup part would be waiting for me if something happened to my husband. I just didn't have any way of knowing it would happen at a time when we were in the process of remodeling the house.

I have had some days in a fog. I've had days where I stood just inside a store that I've been in hundreds of times and I had no idea which direction to go or what I was trying to do. I am just taking each day at a time, but I go to bed most nights feeling as if I hadn't gotten much accomplished at all.

Thanks for your kind thoughts.

All of you, too.

[Foggy]

One thing that I discovered very early, was that I needed to continue to talk to my sweetie, even if he wasn't there. "Michael! Look at those beautiful flowers! Aren't they great?" and "Thank you sweetie for cutting that hose to length! When I found it, I could put it on the dehumidifier and not have to constantly empty that tank!" I don't talk to him as much as I used to, but I still do at times.

I really like that one, and I told ol' Wifehorn about it.

[AndyinPA]

Today would have been hubby's 80th birthday. I'm doing okay. Can't forget it, though. And don't want to.

Two weeks from today, it would have been our 58th anniversary. I'll be on the cruise with the grandkids and son, but won't be having a special dinner.

[Slim Cognito]

[Kendra]

This.

[jemcanada2]

[Fiascoist]