My mom passed away yesterday

Miss Meh
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My mom passed away yesterday

#1

Post by Miss Meh »

From another thread:
Miss Meh wrote: Wed Apr 01, 2020 12:37 am I've been working from home since 3/18 - happy to still have a job, obviously, but things have really, reeeeeallly slowed down work-wise this week so freaking out a little bit about that.

"Home" is a house I share with my mother who had a fall around Thanksgiving and has a wound on her leg that won't quite heal. Her wound care doctor's office has been closed since 3/17 and she hasn't left the house since then, and is freaking out because all the old people are dying. She won't stop watching the news, and crying.
It happened so fast - mom was mobile (tho uncomfortable) until Sunday when she deteriorated sharply and by Monday AM she could stand using the walker but wouldnt walk because she was afraid of falling (even with two of us supporting her).

She didn't have a fever & the leg wasn't visibly infected, but she was dizzy and disoriented at times (no headache) & while we were waiting for her Dr to call back she started talking about how she wished my brother (who passed in 2006) would come for her. Doc was more concerned about the mental than physical status because he said a blood infection could cause that so he said to take her to the E/R - we had to call the paramedics to get her to the car but we drove her ourselves because they would have taken her to the nearest hospital (that botched the leg the day she fell) not the one her Dr's on staff at.

E/R only allowed one person with patient so my brother-in-law & I waited in the car - my sister called about 15 minutes later saying mom's heart had stopped so come right away. They asked us if mom would want to be put on a ventilator and when we both said no they said they would stop CPR and she would pass shortly.

I feel like such an asshole for being relieved, but mom's been miserable for the past few weeks - not only the chronic pain in the injured leg but she also developed a rash on the other leg due to venous insufficiency that there's no cure for. And the coronavirus fear in top of all that - I'm hoping she's finally at peace with my brother, dad & all the family doggies that have crossed the Rainbow Bridge.

On a lighter note, today when my sister and I were looking for the paperwork on mom's pre-purchased burial plot we found a zip lock bag full of birthday and Xmas cards to me from mom in her cedar chest. Why she never actually gave them to me I have no idea, but the bag had a note from mom taped on the outside that said "Miss Meh, don't be scared - nothing bad in here!" When I opened the 1st envelope there were 3 crispy $100 bills inside the card, and by the time I got all the cards open there was over $3000 in cash on mom's bed.

After thinking about it all day, I ended up giving the money to my sister because I'm still getting a paycheck (and fingers crossed will continue to work from home til this is over!) but her pre-school will be closed til at least August so she'll be short 5 months pay instead of just the usual summer break. They usually put something aside during winter/spring to tide them over the summer but this year they had to spend that $$ on a new furnace. I couldn't live with myself if I knew my sister was struggling financially, so yay for mom, coming to the rescue!

Thanks for letting me ramble, needed to get the story off my chest because it still doesn't feel real.


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Azastan
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Re: My mom passed away yesterday

#2

Post by Azastan »

So sorry to hear about your mom's passing.


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Estiveo
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Re: My mom passed away yesterday

#3

Post by Estiveo »

My condolences.


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Suranis
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Re: My mom passed away yesterday

#4

Post by Suranis »

It won't feel real for a little while, and you have to allow that time of unreality. But something small will hit you in a week or 2 or 10, and it will be on you like a ton of bricks.

I'm sorry for your loss.


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Reality Check
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Re: My mom passed away yesterday

#5

Post by Reality Check »

:crying: So sorry for your loss Miss Meh.


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Northland10
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Re: My mom passed away yesterday

#6

Post by Northland10 »

Sorry for your loss.


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GlimDropper
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Re: My mom passed away yesterday

#7

Post by GlimDropper »

My father passed almost seven years ago. Without going into details it was his time. I know what you mean about feeling guilty for feeling relief, I think it's normal, don't beat yourself up much.

I am very sorry for your loss.


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Re: My mom passed away yesterday

#8

Post by kate520 »

So sorry, Miss Meh. Don’t worry, you’re not an asshole. I think it’s common. When my mom died I couldn’t tell if my tears were from grief or relief that her 20 year battle with cancer was finally over.

Peace to you.


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Maybenaut
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Re: My mom passed away yesterday

#9

Post by Maybenaut »

:bighug:

So sorry for your loss. That was touching about the money. Weird how that stuff happens. Feel what you need to feel, and take care of yourself.

:bighug:


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Re: My mom passed away yesterday

#10

Post by Sterngard Friegen »

:bighug:


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Re: My mom passed away yesterday

#11

Post by chancery »

:bighug:


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SLQ
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Re: My mom passed away yesterday

#12

Post by SLQ »

:bighug: I lost my dad last year, and he was living with me the last 3 months. It's such a mish-mash of emotion. My heart goes out to you.


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AndyinPA
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Re: My mom passed away yesterday

#13

Post by AndyinPA »

I'm so sorry. I agree with the others; don't stress out because you feel relief. She's at peace now. I felt the same way with my mom. Her last few years were so awful; even now, six years later, I think she would have been better off had a really nasty illness taken her two years sooner. It's two years less of pain and grief she would have had.

:bighug:


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Dr. Caligari
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Re: My mom passed away yesterday

#14

Post by Dr. Caligari »

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Having lost both my parents, I know enough to know that I can't know what you're feeling. But whatever it is, it's OK. :bighug:


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Sunrise
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Re: My mom passed away yesterday

#15

Post by Sunrise »

I’m so sorry. :bighug:


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Re: My mom passed away yesterday

#16

Post by TexasFilly »

:( :bighug:


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Re: My mom passed away yesterday

#17

Post by Shizzle Popped »

I am so sorry. It seems like there's been a lot of loss on the forum lately. We lost my mom a couple of weeks ago so, yeah. I don't think it's unusual to be relieved when a parent is sick. I've certainly learned that it's possible to be devastated by the loss and relieved at the same time.


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Re: My mom passed away yesterday

#18

Post by Miss Meh »

Thanks to everyone for your kind thoughts :lovestruck:


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Lani
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Re: My mom passed away yesterday

#19

Post by Lani »

All of the above.

All of the feelings. Sometimes all at once.

Be kind to yourself. It's a difficult transition, but in time we remember the things that make us smile.


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Sam the Centipede
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Re: My mom passed away yesterday

#20

Post by Sam the Centipede »

AndyinPA wrote: Tue Apr 07, 2020 11:05 pm I'm so sorry. I agree with the others; don't stress out because you feel relief. She's at peace now. I felt the same way with my mom. Her last few years were so awful; even now, six years later, I think she would have been better off had a really nasty illness taken her two years sooner. It's two years less of pain and grief she would have had.

:bighug:
Agreeing with Andy: sympathy for your loss and please don't feel guilt. Indeed, the fact that you feel guilt shows there is no reason for it!

I have felt similar with the loss of well-aged relatives. But it's important to ask the question about the alternative. Would you want the poor old soul to recover enough to return home then endure several weeks or months of misery in a painful and restricted life before she – and her family – experience the same again … or worse?

No. Sometimes it is clear that a person's time has come and the relief that they suffer no more is not selfishness, it's love and empathy.

Be sad. But only sad.


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June bug
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Re: My mom passed away yesterday

#21

Post by June bug »

:bighug: Sorry for your loss but I agree with others here. First, there's no guilt in feeling relief. It's your love for her that makes you relieved that she's no longer suffering and in pain. Second, for quite a while expect all different kinds of feelings to overwhelm you at unexpected times for no obvious reasons. Don't bother to fight that - let 'em all in and let 'em wash over and through you. That way lies healing. Take care, Miss M. :bighug:


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Re: My mom passed away yesterday

#22

Post by Foggy »

Hugs and love to you, Miss Meh. Very sorry to hear of your loss of your mom.


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Re: My mom passed away yesterday

#23

Post by Jez »

:bighug: :bighug:

I know the "guilt" about feeling relief. My mother passed away in 2014 after many years battling MS. The last few years she lost the ability to walk, talk, or care for herself in the most simple ways. The last few times I was able to see her, I could see the pain in her eyes and in her face, but she was trapped in her body.

There is no guilt for the relief. Your mom isn't hurting anymore. She is at peace and resting.

*all the internet love, hugs, and validation*


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Re: My mom passed away yesterday

#24

Post by Wintermute »

So sorry. Words fail.


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Re: My mom passed away yesterday

#25

Post by Slim Cognito »

I’m so very sorry.


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